Wednesday, April 15, 2009


It has been so long since I blogged here and I miss it. Just sitting down and writing what I am feeling. I don't have to hold back in fear of hurting someones feelings. I am def. a people pleaser. I will go to the ends of the earth to make someone like me. Listen at me ..make! I know in my head because I do feel I am a smart person that I shouldn't have to bow down to people to make them like me however intelligence stacked up against obesity doesn't compare.

I did find one of my triggers today. Def. my mother. Now it really wasn't anything she did. It was just being reminded of all the times I have been made to feel inferior to my sister whom I love dearly and is also like my best friend.

See, my little sister is really my half sister and the only child of my mom's husband who I will always think of as my dad. They have been together 35 years which is rare in this society. If my mom is mad at you so is my dad and vice versa. My sister and I are 11 years apart. I got to name her after my favorite soap star on guiding light. Nickie.
From day one her head full of brown curls just captured everyones heart. My grandfather who really just didn't take an interest in me, my aunts on my "dads" side who I always felt disliked me, and of coarse my mother and father who in their eyes she could do no wrong.

Year after year it was made apparent that the chain of partiality was continuing in my family. (More on that later.)
Now am I jealous? hmmmm yes I think I am which I know is a sin and I will be working on that but mostly I wonder what I did to make people treat me different. What about me intimidates people?

Ugh I was such in a bad mood after my sister found out she was having a girl ...
My dad was calling her grandpaps girl, saying he was going to spoil her, etc.
all the while I am calculating in my head how long has it been since he has came up to my house to see his 1st grandchildren. 1 boy 1 girl.
I can't say he isn't a good grandfather because he is when he actually takes time to come around. The excuse is gas money. Folks my husband and I are living off of one salary and that salary isn't the greatest and we still have plenty of gas money. Both my parents work!
Could you come up with something better please?

Yes so it was no surprise to me that tonight at Red Robin I got something bad for me because I was just so frustrated with how bubbly and perky my mother was being with my sister and forgetting her 1st daughter was even freaking there. It's the 1st fry I have put in my body in over 10 weeks and the 1st white bread as well.
I did the wait 5 minutes thing.
Folks it doesn't always work.

I would so love to write more and I do plan on continuing this story but I am dozing off sitting straight up. LOL!
I didn't even finish my thought. OH WELL!

Much Love

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