Monday, April 20, 2009

Wish I could take her hurt away

I woke up today feeling rather upset. I should have a more reasonable excuse but I don't. It wasn't me who was hurt. It was my daughter. She is 15 and has been talking to then dating a boy for nearly 3 years. He usually acts like a great kid and with some of the idiots I have met her age I am quite fond of him. Every few months he has an episode where he will just hurt her to the point of her breaking down. It happened again last night after 3 months and I just don't know what I can do. I tried just telling her I am putting my foot down and making them stop seeing each other but I know her and I know she will see him somehow. I have had talks with this young man and even argued with him but he just doesn't stop these outbursts. Last night she was so upset over the way he acted in front of a group of his friends that she nearly had a nervous breakdown. He came over and calmed her down but I stood there and cried and held her because I don't know what else I can do.
I don't want to forbid her from seeing him and then find out in a few months that she went out and got pregnant so that he could be in his life.

Being a mom is so rewarding and I love it more than anything however watching your child hurt about anything is just soul wrenching.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I am pretty much noticing a pattern here and have really identified with my weakness. Night Eating. I get hungry right before I go to bed.
I know it is wrong yet I just can't seem to stop.

Tonight? a 12 inch roasted turkey breast.
It's like my will power is amazing until around 10 pm

I know in my head this is where my weight is coming from.
I know I could be losing more weight.
I know I am going to be up a few hours regretting this one
I think my brain cells go to sleep earlier than my body does.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Just shut up already. It's my turn.

I am so sick of everytime I am around someone they have to brag about this person and that person who has lost weight with no effort. Ya know I have been placed at the back of everything all my life.

There was always some excuse. My cousin needed my moms attention more. My sister was more needy and I was smart and could take care of myself.
Ya know at 30 freaking 4 I would like a little credit without having someone try to stand in MY sunlight.

I work hard.
I work my ass off in fact.
I guzzle down water even when I don't want it.
I go to the gym when I really don't want to
and you know what I REALLLLY want sweet stuff and mac and cheese and the other foods I know that I can't eat.

I am tired of being invisible. I am tired of people who are trying to take my confidence away and the pride of what I have accomplished.
Am I jealous? Yes I am. But I am a people pleaser and I have been in the back for far to long. What will it take to get to shine for once?

My sister was put in the hospital last night for a high heart rate and elevated wbc. Today I tried to call to check on her and no answer. I texted. No answer.
I entertained the thought of overeating but I know that is a trigger and I won't give in.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


So again I had to eat after 9 because of the hectic evening but I did work out pretty hard. I walked on the treadmill 30 minutes and I am ALMOST to my 20 min mile. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes on a high level and burned 734 cal. So after all that my daughter and I retired to the sauna for the 1st time ever. LOL. Ok we walk in and i sit down and immediately I am thinking omg I can't breathe. But I relaxed and opened my book and began to read. After about 10 minutes I am working up a great sweat. Lindsey who is almost 15 looks up and a lady walks in stark naked. Now she doesn't sit down and begin to relax. She gets a towel and starts drying herself off. I mean extra good too. I wouldn't have noticed this except she proceeded to bend over right in our faces. LMAO now I don't know about you guys but I do not ever want to know what other women's personables looks like up close and personal. I couldn't help but to laugh after she left because lindsey was honestly appalled lol. She came out of the locker room and told her boyfriend who I think was equally appalled. He told us some stories about the guys locker room and we all enjoyed the ride home.

Now along these lines I really don't think I am ever going to be comfortable walking around in a locker room full of people with my mellons hanging out there to dry.
I did reallllly want to get in the pool but I will have that for about another 45-50 pounds. I will think of it as a reward. I am just praying I can do this without mounds of loose skin hanging from my overworked body. I am sorry but in some ways this is as gross as the fat itself.

Right now I am reading a book called diet girl by Shauna Reid. It is a weight loss memoir. I also bought Half-Assed by Jennette Fulda which is along the same lines. I am starting to think maybe I will take another crack at writing. I had 2 poems published in the National Libraries of Congress Theologies in 1994. I was invited to read one of them to president clinton but was 8 months pregnant with my daughter and due to being on brethene I was on bed rest. I just know I want to relate and help others who are going and have gone through this journey. It isn't easy. Trust me I am not mistake free. I seem to screw up at least once daily. Now I am not talking cheesecake screw up but sometimes close.

Well I am off to read and be inspired.

P.s. I am rooting for Kristin. I have finally picked my favorite to win. If she can't win I would love to see Mike or Philipe take it.
As far as the at home contestants...CARLA all the way.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


It has been so long since I blogged here and I miss it. Just sitting down and writing what I am feeling. I don't have to hold back in fear of hurting someones feelings. I am def. a people pleaser. I will go to the ends of the earth to make someone like me. Listen at me ..make! I know in my head because I do feel I am a smart person that I shouldn't have to bow down to people to make them like me however intelligence stacked up against obesity doesn't compare.

I did find one of my triggers today. Def. my mother. Now it really wasn't anything she did. It was just being reminded of all the times I have been made to feel inferior to my sister whom I love dearly and is also like my best friend.

See, my little sister is really my half sister and the only child of my mom's husband who I will always think of as my dad. They have been together 35 years which is rare in this society. If my mom is mad at you so is my dad and vice versa. My sister and I are 11 years apart. I got to name her after my favorite soap star on guiding light. Nickie.
From day one her head full of brown curls just captured everyones heart. My grandfather who really just didn't take an interest in me, my aunts on my "dads" side who I always felt disliked me, and of coarse my mother and father who in their eyes she could do no wrong.

Year after year it was made apparent that the chain of partiality was continuing in my family. (More on that later.)
Now am I jealous? hmmmm yes I think I am which I know is a sin and I will be working on that but mostly I wonder what I did to make people treat me different. What about me intimidates people?

Ugh I was such in a bad mood after my sister found out she was having a girl ...
My dad was calling her grandpaps girl, saying he was going to spoil her, etc.
all the while I am calculating in my head how long has it been since he has came up to my house to see his 1st grandchildren. 1 boy 1 girl.
I can't say he isn't a good grandfather because he is when he actually takes time to come around. The excuse is gas money. Folks my husband and I are living off of one salary and that salary isn't the greatest and we still have plenty of gas money. Both my parents work!
Could you come up with something better please?

Yes so it was no surprise to me that tonight at Red Robin I got something bad for me because I was just so frustrated with how bubbly and perky my mother was being with my sister and forgetting her 1st daughter was even freaking there. It's the 1st fry I have put in my body in over 10 weeks and the 1st white bread as well.
I did the wait 5 minutes thing.
Folks it doesn't always work.

I would so love to write more and I do plan on continuing this story but I am dozing off sitting straight up. LOL!
I didn't even finish my thought. OH WELL!

Much Love

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Biggest Loser Haters Club....

I am honestly a little upset that people try to ruin the biggest loser for those of us who use this show for so so so much motivation. It is like telling a child there is no Santa.
Rather it takes them 2 weeks to lose 10 pounds or a week they are still losing it and they are inspiring us to push ourselves and challenge ourselves. If we as adults cannot have the common sense to realize things aren't always as they seem then seek misery together and don't be so quick to ruin other peoples hopes and dreams.


I love the show
and will forever be a fan.

People who go around searching out things to prove people wrong remind me of nosey neighbors who worry about others lives more so than worrying about the problems in their own.

Blood Pressure

One of the reasons that I began this journey was my fear of death. I had been having chest pains every single day and was even scared to go to sleep afraid I would not wake up the next morning. I had stopped at wal-mart one evening and had a headache so I decided to take my blood pressure. 149/94 ummm WHAT? I thought to myself well it is just stress so I decided to take it the next time I was there a few days later 153/92 um uh-o. I continued this up until about 2 weeks after I began working out and every single time it showed me borderline or in the high range. I didn't take one normal pressure in over 6 weeks. I had already had 2 mild cardiac episodes and 3 blood clots in my lungs so this had me scared to death. I began taking aspirin every morning. I am not the most religious person in the world but I will tell you I prayed for God to allow me here to take care of my children. I mean after being told I should be dead several times I felt I had a purpose.

I have been working out pretty hard for almost 6 weeks. Yesterday I again went past the BP machine and sat down nervously. Folks it was 128/69
Almost a perfect pressure. Now, I don't want to get overly excited but this is the first normal pressure I had seen in MONTHS.
I cannot tell you how proud of myself I am right now.
I feel better. I will look better. My clothes are fitting better, and I am in an all around better mood. I am more active around my home and with my pets and children.

I am feeling this after 5 weeks and 11 pounds. I am smiling and looking in the future for the 1st time visualizing me fit and healthy because I know I can.

Friday, March 13, 2009


ok so most of you know I have insomnia right now. I don't work outside my home so that does help since I can sleep during the day. However, I hate doing that. I would rather be at the gym.

I have figured out that me working out later in the evening is probably one of the reasons but I go through insomnia regularly about twice a year.

My major problem with that is that I find myself getting up and going to the fridge and getting something without even thinking. It isn't really bad stuff because I removed all that from my house but I don't want to put anything in my mouth after 8 p.m.
I wish I had a combination lock that only my husband knew to put on it at nights lol.

My kids will be gone all day and evening. So I am going to try to work out more today. My next weigh in isn't far away. Tuesday is going to come fast.

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know

oh and I don't drink coffee or caffeine so that isn't the problem.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Week 4 weigh in

Well if you read my other blog or my status you will know today is the best day of the month to weigh in for a female lol but I did anyway.

I am trying very hard not to get frustrated because as most of you who are on my myspace and see my workout logs I work out pretty dang hard every week and worked through being sick. I did over 50 miles of cardio work on the elliptical this week at a very high level.

BUT I am down 2.2 pounds.

I contribute the day it is lol
and the fact that I really have to watch what time I am eating.
I tend to eat late at night because I am always up late and by then my metabolism has slowed down.
I am going to work on that this week.

On a great note. I shattered my cardio goal this week.
I wanted 30 miles.

NOT including my walks to the park and hiking Sunday I hit
50.44 miles woo hoooo!

Goals for next week are:

1. 4 pounds
2. not to eat past 8 p.m.
3. No eating out week INCLUDING Subs even on wheat bread
4. 60 miles of cardio

Slow but steady wins the race.

Hell Week

Oh nooooo! I have talked before about weighing in during "Hell Week" and yet again it begins on a weigh in day. I am going to go ahead and weigh in but I am telling myself I am not going to be upset by the results because of the normal weight gain.

With the research I have done it is normal to gain anywhere from 2-7 pounds the 1st 3 days of your period. Most women are more hungry during this time as well because your body naturally burns 15% more calories during the week. So no it isn't cravings you are having during that week
it is that you are really more hungry due to the extra calories being burned.
I have read that if you reduce the amount of salt for about 4 days before your period and up your water intake it can reduce and sometimes eliminate the period weight gain. Now this is if you are lucky and it works for some people. NOT ALL!'

LOL a little on/off subject but why do mean grow terrified of the "week". My husband got up and I told him I was having stomach pain and he said are you still sick and I said no it's not that and his eyes lol widened in horror and said OH NO! My son soon echoed the UH O and looked at me and said not you to (I have a 14 year old daughter) and said mommy please be in a good mood when we get home lol.
Are we really that bad during hell week?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Don't forget where you came from

So as most of you know I am fairly new to this journey. I am completing my 4th week and have been "fairly" successful. Something that I love about this is the people I have met and how supportive they are. I love that and it pulls me through every single day. As a stay at home mom I spend my days cleaning, working out, and running errands. On my downtime I love to get online and see how my friends are doing. As I mentioned in previous posts I just have secluded myself so much that I don't have many friends. I have met some amazing people. Lisa (Love ya chick)!

However, I will say this and I am sure it is bound to piss someone off and I apologize for that but I am known to speak my mind and this is MY blog.
I have come across persons who have been extremely successful in their journey and seemed to have forgotten where they came from. They are so caught up in promoting themselves and screw passing what you have learned forward to help others.
You spend time commenting them, congratulating them on their accomplishments, etc. and they cannot even take a moment to say thank you or offer you some form of encouragement as a common courtesy. I believe that real success in this journey is passing on what you learn to others. This nation is killing themselves with food. Bullcrap to this notion that anyone is happy with wearing clothes that looks like tents and being unhealthy.

I will not and I mean I will not EVER forget where I am coming from. I will make it my LIFE to make sure that I help those who are serious about changing their lives.
I am not in this to promote myself. I am in this to promote health and happiness and most importantly....LIFE!

Expecting 2-3 pound loss.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Weigh- In Week 3

Well this morning was weigh in. Most of you know I got a new scale so I was a little confused on how to do this because the new scale was showing a gain a few days back. A friend of mine suggested I do a test of the difference of the scales (the one at the gym and the new one at home.) I did that and with the difference I showed a loss of 3.4 pounds this week. WOOHOOOO!

However, it is so much more convenient to use the scale at home so I am going to take my 1.4 pound loss from the home scale and use it from this point on. My weigh in day had to be switched to Tuesday because of a sick baby (well she is 14 but will always be my baby.)

So even the 1.4 pounds I am very happy with.
Next week I am going for 3 pounds.
Thanks for all the encouragement.

Eye Opener- March 2nd


Ok so I know that to maintain my current weight I need to be consuming 2600 calories a day

which is your weight x's 10

so for me I am cutting my intake down to 1600 calories.
by cutting down 7000 calories a week that is a loss of 2 pounds per week
now if I burn 500 calories a day that is another pound...

easy right? lol it is overwhelminnnggggg
and 1600 calories seems like a lot but it's NOT
I had an eye opener this morning.

I bought a healthy cerial by Kashi.
I ate it and then decided to count the calories

ok let's start cerial
1 serving was 1 cup
190 each cup
and I ate 2 cups

380 calories

then milk 2%
1 serving is 1 cup
I poured 2 over the cerial
at 130 calories each cup

260 calories

for ONE BOWL OF CERIAL 640 CALORIES which is 40% of my entire daily intake. WOW!!!!!!!!!

so I am going to be keeping a food journel now as well.
What an eye opening experience

Here is the site I found this information

Click Here

Hope this helps someone

Eh From March 2nd

Current mood:eh
I am not sure if I should switch over to using the scale I have at home or continue to use the scale at the gym.

The scale at home shows a gain but I didn't start out on that scale and I find it hard to believe I gained when I have been working out all week.

However it is more convenient to use the one at home versus getting up and going straight to the gym without eating or drinking anything.

What to do =[

February 28th-Better Evening

Current mood:Much Better
Most of you read that I had a pretty bad morning. I was letting it get to me pretty bad. I took a good nap and decided to go right back at it. It wasn't that I felt I didn't do enough today but rather I wanted to prove to myself that I could. So I stretched *lol* got on and did 30 minutes. The 1st 10 were the hardest. I refilled the water bottle and got right back on and did 13 more minutes for a total of 3.4 miles in 43 minutes which is pretty dang good for me.

Thank you to everyone who takes time to read my blogs and keeps me going.
Also a special thanks again to Lisa who calls me and checks in and yells at me about the scale when I need it lol. I just love her to peices.

From February 28th

Current mood:Frustrated

Today was just HORRIBLE! I took yesterday off from cardio and did a little upper body lifting. I went into the gym this morning and within 3 minutes on the elliptical I thought I was going to die. I am sorry but if this is how my body is going to react I am NEVER taking another day off. I did manage to do 30 minutes going at a pretty slow pace and then did 15 minutes on the treadmill. My legs and hips were screaming at me the entire time.
What gives? 2 days ago I was doing 1 hour on the elliptical and complaining because my daughter wanted to leave then.

I am telling myself everyone has off days. I won't give up. I am just really frustrated with myself today. I bought Taebo amplified last night because I really loved Taebo years ago when I was in shape. I am going to crank him out this afternoon and then try to go back and do 45 minutes on the elliptical this evening. I know if I sit down now getting back up is going to be devestating to my motivation.

I think the biggest thing was I measured myself yesterday and took pics "uncovered" no lol not naked and I was just pretty much disgusted and mind you this is 3 weeks in and losing the 1st two weeks I am sure I was bigger than that.

What was I THINKING letting myself go like that??


Over- Doing it?

Current mood:Doing a little at home weights

So what exactly does overdoing it mean? I love to workout. Now I can tell you that even I know I need to pick up my intensity but I feel right now at the beginning as long as I am moving it is better than sitting on my behind. I work out nearly everyday, sometimes twice a day at the local YMCA. Everyone tells me I should rest. I do take rests from the weights but as far as the cardio I really do love doing it so if my body is telling me it is ok and I am not ready to quit is it really overdoing? I think it was Josh who posted that he was really sore and loved it. SO DO I!!!!! It tells me that I am doing something right. I can't believe how much more energy I have since I started working out. I do more house cleaning and honestly I am just a happier person. I hear that I should rest a day but I know myself and I know the guilt I will feel over sitting home instead of working out will make it a lot worse than going to the Y and doing at least something cardio related. I know that most of you who work out know that when you get a great workout you get like a "high" and it is amazing. Right now I have worked out about 12 days straight. Now if you look at my workout logs I do not do a ton of cardio and I feel if my body is up for it and my mind is up for it why not do it. I know myself and I know when there is a day I need to rest I will rest.

So really is it ever 2 much?
oh, and can someone tell me just how bad diet soda is for you?


Current mood: amused I have been battling my weight for over 15 years and I am sure more than once people have said things about me and up until today I can say that if they have it wasn't to my face or so evident.

I was coming home from taking my husband to work. I travel the interstate. Now, I must say I am one of those drivers that does the speed limit. I do NOT speed. I do not get close up to other cars. In other words my driving record is perfect for a reason. I was doing 70 mph and got into the slow lane well a minute later I noticed a car in the passing lane next to me trying to get my attention. I looked over and a older man in his 40's or 50's was beside me giving me the finger. I have no clue why! Then when I was trying to ask him why he rolled down his window puffed his cheeks out to imitate a fat person and called me a cow among other things.

You know I can sit and say it doesn't bother me all I want but it does. It bothers me because this person doesn't know the health problems I have been through or that I was gang raped the year I started gaining weight. He judged me based on the outside and for what? I guess I wasn't going fast enough for him.

It amazes me that people are so mean and so cruel.
At the same time I hope I run into this person at some later point when I have lost the weight.

So mr. gray alero license plate beginning with maryland LPD
thanks for providing more motivation
and reminding me what a good person I am compared to some of the asses in this country.

Monday Blues and Thank you Lisa

I had such guilt this morning for not going all out but then I realized I had been working out for 7 days straight and today would make the 8th. I am going a little light today to let my legs heal. I just don't know how to get over the feeling of being lazy and wasting the day and feeling that if I don't work out more that I am going to end up with a gain on Monday. I realize that most changes I need to make in my life are in my diet. I love chinese food and I love Long John Silvers. I broke down and had a variety platter yesterday. Ugh, the guilt was HORRIBLE.

lol this morning when I thought about not going to work out I heard Lisa's voice saying, "Have you worked out yet?" well I am starting to look at her as "my Nathan". LOL.
Lisa if you read this do NOT get the thought of a mountain in your head. Ill run steps or bleachers but the mountains can kiss my booty.

p.s. Thank you for what you did for lindsey last night. It meant a lot to her. I am thankful that you have come into my life.

Work-Outs Days 13-21

Current mood:Knee hurting

Goals for this week
Weigh in Tuesday March 3rd

Weight loss goal: 3 pounds

Saturday: 2 miles treadmill
4 miles recumbent bike

3 sets of lat rows *15 reps 50 pounds
3 sets of shoulder presses *12 reps *60 pounds


2.5 miles on the treadmill
did a lot of incline work but that treadmill kicked my butt today.



1.06 treadmill
2.16 miles on the recumbent bike

Went light this morning due to just being stiff and sore and not much sleep last night.


4.26 miles on the treadmill
I got on the stupid scale (a new one) and it showed almost a 2 pound gain and I am so upset.
IDK WHAT im doing wrong
part of me thinks im not working hard enough.

2.36 miles on the treadmill
60 minutes
*back of my knee was hurting pretty bad but I kept going.

1 mile on the recumbent bike



2 miles recumbent bike 15 minutes

2.7 miles elliptical 30 minutes
1.0 mile treadmill 24 minutes

3 sets of chest presses *12 reps*

Evening: 1 hour 5 min elliptical 6.25 miles



Upper body lifting
Took off from Cardio *Rest Day*


Morning: 2.4 miles on the elliptical *30 minutes*
.57 miles on the treadmill

Evening: 45 minutes on the elliptical
3.4 miles

Moderate upper body weight workout included shoulders, chest, back
.50 miles on the treadmill at an incline of 5.0

Took a walk with the chihuahua about a mile or a little more.

*Kept it mild since I am getting sick*
200 turns on the 3 pound twistie bar


Current mood: calm
I realized today that the hardest thing for me with weight loss is patience. I don't have it. I never did. I want to see results now. Not 3 weeks from now. I realize that it took y ears for me to put this weight on and it will take time to get it off but my gosh all I want is to be healthy.

I know that I am proud of myself for actually getting up off my near 300 pound ass and doing something about it but it is not easy.
I struggled through my 2 miles today. It actually hurt a little today because I did speed it up some. I do a lot of visualizing and today was about me in stylish clothes and looking good in them. How trivial I know but to someone who has worn clothes for so long that is basically just tents doing that is GREAT motivation.

So I am going to start the hunt for a few goal outfits and I will be posting them on here as I find them.

1st weigh in in 4 days.

Most won't admit..but I will

I guess I am going to make my first blog where people stand back and say wow this woman is honest. I don't believe in holding back esp. when it comes to a journey like this.
I know if I have gone through it someone out there is going through the same thing.

The subject: sex

My husband has never never had a problem with his weight. In fact she weighs about 180 pounds and is over 6'3. He is a very attractive guy and I do love him.
He is an excellent father and an excellent provider. He is ALOT immature but I can say at times that has kept me from just being an idiot and taking my own life. Yes people obesity is that bad.

When I met my husband I was 15..well that is when we started dating. I met him when I was 12 and we hated each other lol. I wasn't thin but I wasn't obese either.

We married young and I went through a rebellious stage and we ended up splitting up several times. We had 2 beautiful children.

My weight has slowly gone up and he is still with me.
He has stuck with my moods, my bitchiness, and a variety of other things. Yes he had an affair.
Do I truly blame him?
yes and no.

I have gone and am going through periods of not being intimate with him for months and months at a time.
Not because I am not attracted to him but because I am DISGUSTED with myself. I go through period of time people that I don't look at myself in the mirror for weeks.

I have even given up at times on taking care of myself because I just didn't care.

He does take this personal and I don't blame him.
He has never had to deal with a situation like this.

and some people say just do it Kristy. I DON'T WANT TO EVER just lay there and do something that is so personal.
I want him to be able to look at me and admire what he sees.

He has been pretty supportive with the start of this journey but I am sure just by the way he acts he isn't quite sure if I am being serious or not.
He has NEVER said a thing about my weight. NEVER EVER!
He doesn't have 2.

I am a person who likes to prove people wrong and succeed where most people have failed.
I usually root for the underdog.
I know I am an underdog in this situation.
How many people today succeed without surgery, without a personal trainer and a ton of money to buy food that is healthy?

I think I owe it to my husband and my children to do this for different reasons.
Yet I know that I owe it to myself as well because I can't truly love them until I love myself.


I am finally taking a morning off. I have been working pretty hard the past 5 days and my body is telling me it needs a rest. I am going to do a cardio dvd at home and then walk 2.5 miles this evening. I have been burning about 750-800 calories in the 2 workouts I have been doing.

I heard on the biggest loser that they burn about 10,000 calories a day. WOW!
That show has been such an inspiration to me. I can relate with so many of their stories. The big dinners during the holidays, but what I don't get is the underlying reasons they eat. I mean, how about just because it tastes good.

I am not a huge eater but my problem is activity and fast food. I can tell you that both things have changed tremendously for me. I haven't ate fast food in nearly a month and I have been working out for a week. I know, not long but you have to start somewhere. I haven't weighed myself in about 2 weeks and I don't plan on it for at least another week. I think in so many weighs the scale can be your enemy. It can tell you that you have poured your heart and soul into your goals but shatter your confidence in a matter of a few seconds. Not to mention no woman should ever weigh herself while she is how shall I say.... "in the mist of hell week." LOL.

In case you are wondering if I am taking anything. The answer is no not at this time. I take a supplement that helps with heart function and an aspirin. Remember the reason I started this is the constant chest pains and numbness in my fingers which I still do have. It's not all about the physical changes for me. It's about wanting to live and not having to be scared about going to sleep at night because you are nervous if you are going to wake up in the morning and the thoughts of your children finding you dead.

I am thinking of turning my blogs into videos at some point but we will see.
I am working on my own website that will have tons of information.
That is a work in progress. Keep checking back.

Wish me luck for my weigh in next week.
Then after I will weigh in weekly with the exception of "hell week" lol.


Work-Out s Days 1-12

Day 1: 18 minutes on the treadmill
steps counted from 7 pm til bed at 10:50-1818


Day 2: morning- 70 minutes on the treadmill 3.02 miles
steps in the morning until 10 am.-8706

evening: 20 minutes on the treadmill

steps in the evening 2764

Day 3: Morning: 50 minutes on the treadmill 2.01 miles
forgot pedometer oops

evening goal: 2.5 miles
Evening: 60 minutes on treadmill 3.06 miles

feet are killing me but I can tell you my mind is set and I am going to do it this time.

Day 4: 60 minutes on the treadmill 2.06 miles
7987 steps

had to talk myself through almost every 5 minutes because I felt like
crap due to the arrival of my lovely womans week. But all I kept
thinking was the end result.

evening goal: 3 miles
Evening: 63 minutes on the treadmill. 3.04 miles
7697 steps
Day 5 **Rest Day**
Day 6

Biggest Loser Workout 1
Had to stop and start at certain points but repeated as much as I could 3 times.

3 set of shoulder presses with 3 pd weights 15 reps
" " Bicep curls
set of shoulder flies 15 reps

110 reps on the cardio glide

Day 7

Cleaned house 5 hours

Day 8

Tons of reps of shoulders presses

3.04 miles on the treadmill 74 minutes

Day 9

2.15 on the treadmill 54 minutes.

multiple sets of shoulder presses
Day 10

3.09 miles on the treadmill
don't know my time because the safety key got tangled in lol my ipod and i pulled it out and it reset it.

2 days to weigh in

Day 11

7.7 miles on the recumbent bike
2.15 miles on the treadmill *shaved off almost 4 minutes on my 2 mile mark*
2 sets of 12 chest presses 40 pounds
1 set of 15 chest presses

Evening: 2.31 miles on the treadmill


Day 12

2.0 miles on the treadmill
*shaved another 2 minute off my time*

weigh in 2/21
-8 pounds

Rock Bottom

Current mood: adventurous
why now? Like an addiction it takes yourself hitting rock bottom to
realize that something has to change. It takes someone teasing a dog
for so long that it finally bites back. Reality is that higher power
has warned me twice about how I have let myself go. At the age of 28 I
had my 1st and 2nd heart attack. I weighed around 240 at that time.
At the age of 33 I woke up thinking that I was having another. After a
normal ekg I was just waiting on the doctor to release me. I was
sitting up in the hospital bed talking to my husband and mom when he
and his "student" doctor came in. He said, "we found the problem."
"You have blood clots in your lungs."
He turned to the student and
said most people die instantly when they pass one. She has 3. She
should be dead. My mom looked at him and said is she going to be ok.
He said, "She could be." "Right now it could go either way." At that
time I weighed 264 pounds.
Think that would be enough hugh? nope. I got out and for almost 2 years now I have done nothing and added 12 pounds.

any of you know me you will know without me telling you that my
children are my world. I live for them. Well I thought I was living
but the truth was I was and am killing myself right in front of them.
How could I be a good parent and allow myself to continue a road that
was leading nowhere but to a early death. I want to see my son drive,
and graduate and get married. I want to see my daughter graduate,
model, get married and have her own babies. I don't know about you but
I am not sure what I believe as far as what awareness I will have after
death but I know whatever it is cannot be as good as actually being
there. I want to be here. No matter how good the burgers and french
fries are they are not worth death and missing out.

Then in
December I got the final motivation. A voicemail from my sister
crying. I called her and through tears she told me that she and Timmy
were going to have a baby and I was finally going to be an aunt. It
was a miracle. After being hit by a drunk driver they were given very
little hope of ever having children due to many complications. That
higher power had given me one more hint of my need to be here on
earth. I want to see my neice or nephew and I want to watch them grow
up and I want to be able to play with her or him and be active with my

I don't know how to describe it other than...I don't only need to find the will to do this but also find the motivation to LIVE.