Monday, April 20, 2009

Wish I could take her hurt away

I woke up today feeling rather upset. I should have a more reasonable excuse but I don't. It wasn't me who was hurt. It was my daughter. She is 15 and has been talking to then dating a boy for nearly 3 years. He usually acts like a great kid and with some of the idiots I have met her age I am quite fond of him. Every few months he has an episode where he will just hurt her to the point of her breaking down. It happened again last night after 3 months and I just don't know what I can do. I tried just telling her I am putting my foot down and making them stop seeing each other but I know her and I know she will see him somehow. I have had talks with this young man and even argued with him but he just doesn't stop these outbursts. Last night she was so upset over the way he acted in front of a group of his friends that she nearly had a nervous breakdown. He came over and calmed her down but I stood there and cried and held her because I don't know what else I can do.
I don't want to forbid her from seeing him and then find out in a few months that she went out and got pregnant so that he could be in his life.

Being a mom is so rewarding and I love it more than anything however watching your child hurt about anything is just soul wrenching.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I am pretty much noticing a pattern here and have really identified with my weakness. Night Eating. I get hungry right before I go to bed.
I know it is wrong yet I just can't seem to stop.

Tonight? a 12 inch roasted turkey breast.
It's like my will power is amazing until around 10 pm

I know in my head this is where my weight is coming from.
I know I could be losing more weight.
I know I am going to be up a few hours regretting this one
I think my brain cells go to sleep earlier than my body does.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Just shut up already. It's my turn.

I am so sick of everytime I am around someone they have to brag about this person and that person who has lost weight with no effort. Ya know I have been placed at the back of everything all my life.

There was always some excuse. My cousin needed my moms attention more. My sister was more needy and I was smart and could take care of myself.
Ya know at 30 freaking 4 I would like a little credit without having someone try to stand in MY sunlight.

I work hard.
I work my ass off in fact.
I guzzle down water even when I don't want it.
I go to the gym when I really don't want to
and you know what I REALLLLY want sweet stuff and mac and cheese and the other foods I know that I can't eat.

I am tired of being invisible. I am tired of people who are trying to take my confidence away and the pride of what I have accomplished.
Am I jealous? Yes I am. But I am a people pleaser and I have been in the back for far to long. What will it take to get to shine for once?

My sister was put in the hospital last night for a high heart rate and elevated wbc. Today I tried to call to check on her and no answer. I texted. No answer.
I entertained the thought of overeating but I know that is a trigger and I won't give in.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


So again I had to eat after 9 because of the hectic evening but I did work out pretty hard. I walked on the treadmill 30 minutes and I am ALMOST to my 20 min mile. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes on a high level and burned 734 cal. So after all that my daughter and I retired to the sauna for the 1st time ever. LOL. Ok we walk in and i sit down and immediately I am thinking omg I can't breathe. But I relaxed and opened my book and began to read. After about 10 minutes I am working up a great sweat. Lindsey who is almost 15 looks up and a lady walks in stark naked. Now she doesn't sit down and begin to relax. She gets a towel and starts drying herself off. I mean extra good too. I wouldn't have noticed this except she proceeded to bend over right in our faces. LMAO now I don't know about you guys but I do not ever want to know what other women's personables looks like up close and personal. I couldn't help but to laugh after she left because lindsey was honestly appalled lol. She came out of the locker room and told her boyfriend who I think was equally appalled. He told us some stories about the guys locker room and we all enjoyed the ride home.

Now along these lines I really don't think I am ever going to be comfortable walking around in a locker room full of people with my mellons hanging out there to dry.
I did reallllly want to get in the pool but I will have that for about another 45-50 pounds. I will think of it as a reward. I am just praying I can do this without mounds of loose skin hanging from my overworked body. I am sorry but in some ways this is as gross as the fat itself.

Right now I am reading a book called diet girl by Shauna Reid. It is a weight loss memoir. I also bought Half-Assed by Jennette Fulda which is along the same lines. I am starting to think maybe I will take another crack at writing. I had 2 poems published in the National Libraries of Congress Theologies in 1994. I was invited to read one of them to president clinton but was 8 months pregnant with my daughter and due to being on brethene I was on bed rest. I just know I want to relate and help others who are going and have gone through this journey. It isn't easy. Trust me I am not mistake free. I seem to screw up at least once daily. Now I am not talking cheesecake screw up but sometimes close.

Well I am off to read and be inspired.

P.s. I am rooting for Kristin. I have finally picked my favorite to win. If she can't win I would love to see Mike or Philipe take it.
As far as the at home contestants...CARLA all the way.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


It has been so long since I blogged here and I miss it. Just sitting down and writing what I am feeling. I don't have to hold back in fear of hurting someones feelings. I am def. a people pleaser. I will go to the ends of the earth to make someone like me. Listen at me ..make! I know in my head because I do feel I am a smart person that I shouldn't have to bow down to people to make them like me however intelligence stacked up against obesity doesn't compare.

I did find one of my triggers today. Def. my mother. Now it really wasn't anything she did. It was just being reminded of all the times I have been made to feel inferior to my sister whom I love dearly and is also like my best friend.

See, my little sister is really my half sister and the only child of my mom's husband who I will always think of as my dad. They have been together 35 years which is rare in this society. If my mom is mad at you so is my dad and vice versa. My sister and I are 11 years apart. I got to name her after my favorite soap star on guiding light. Nickie.
From day one her head full of brown curls just captured everyones heart. My grandfather who really just didn't take an interest in me, my aunts on my "dads" side who I always felt disliked me, and of coarse my mother and father who in their eyes she could do no wrong.

Year after year it was made apparent that the chain of partiality was continuing in my family. (More on that later.)
Now am I jealous? hmmmm yes I think I am which I know is a sin and I will be working on that but mostly I wonder what I did to make people treat me different. What about me intimidates people?

Ugh I was such in a bad mood after my sister found out she was having a girl ...
My dad was calling her grandpaps girl, saying he was going to spoil her, etc.
all the while I am calculating in my head how long has it been since he has came up to my house to see his 1st grandchildren. 1 boy 1 girl.
I can't say he isn't a good grandfather because he is when he actually takes time to come around. The excuse is gas money. Folks my husband and I are living off of one salary and that salary isn't the greatest and we still have plenty of gas money. Both my parents work!
Could you come up with something better please?

Yes so it was no surprise to me that tonight at Red Robin I got something bad for me because I was just so frustrated with how bubbly and perky my mother was being with my sister and forgetting her 1st daughter was even freaking there. It's the 1st fry I have put in my body in over 10 weeks and the 1st white bread as well.
I did the wait 5 minutes thing.
Folks it doesn't always work.

I would so love to write more and I do plan on continuing this story but I am dozing off sitting straight up. LOL!
I didn't even finish my thought. OH WELL!

Much Love

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Biggest Loser Haters Club....

I am honestly a little upset that people try to ruin the biggest loser for those of us who use this show for so so so much motivation. It is like telling a child there is no Santa.
Rather it takes them 2 weeks to lose 10 pounds or a week they are still losing it and they are inspiring us to push ourselves and challenge ourselves. If we as adults cannot have the common sense to realize things aren't always as they seem then seek misery together and don't be so quick to ruin other peoples hopes and dreams.


I love the show
and will forever be a fan.

People who go around searching out things to prove people wrong remind me of nosey neighbors who worry about others lives more so than worrying about the problems in their own.

Blood Pressure

One of the reasons that I began this journey was my fear of death. I had been having chest pains every single day and was even scared to go to sleep afraid I would not wake up the next morning. I had stopped at wal-mart one evening and had a headache so I decided to take my blood pressure. 149/94 ummm WHAT? I thought to myself well it is just stress so I decided to take it the next time I was there a few days later 153/92 um uh-o. I continued this up until about 2 weeks after I began working out and every single time it showed me borderline or in the high range. I didn't take one normal pressure in over 6 weeks. I had already had 2 mild cardiac episodes and 3 blood clots in my lungs so this had me scared to death. I began taking aspirin every morning. I am not the most religious person in the world but I will tell you I prayed for God to allow me here to take care of my children. I mean after being told I should be dead several times I felt I had a purpose.

I have been working out pretty hard for almost 6 weeks. Yesterday I again went past the BP machine and sat down nervously. Folks it was 128/69
Almost a perfect pressure. Now, I don't want to get overly excited but this is the first normal pressure I had seen in MONTHS.
I cannot tell you how proud of myself I am right now.
I feel better. I will look better. My clothes are fitting better, and I am in an all around better mood. I am more active around my home and with my pets and children.

I am feeling this after 5 weeks and 11 pounds. I am smiling and looking in the future for the 1st time visualizing me fit and healthy because I know I can.