Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Rock Bottom

Current mood: adventurous
why now? Like an addiction it takes yourself hitting rock bottom to
realize that something has to change. It takes someone teasing a dog
for so long that it finally bites back. Reality is that higher power
has warned me twice about how I have let myself go. At the age of 28 I
had my 1st and 2nd heart attack. I weighed around 240 at that time.
At the age of 33 I woke up thinking that I was having another. After a
normal ekg I was just waiting on the doctor to release me. I was
sitting up in the hospital bed talking to my husband and mom when he
and his "student" doctor came in. He said, "we found the problem."
"You have blood clots in your lungs."
He turned to the student and
said most people die instantly when they pass one. She has 3. She
should be dead. My mom looked at him and said is she going to be ok.
He said, "She could be." "Right now it could go either way." At that
time I weighed 264 pounds.
Think that would be enough hugh? nope. I got out and for almost 2 years now I have done nothing and added 12 pounds.

any of you know me you will know without me telling you that my
children are my world. I live for them. Well I thought I was living
but the truth was I was and am killing myself right in front of them.
How could I be a good parent and allow myself to continue a road that
was leading nowhere but to a early death. I want to see my son drive,
and graduate and get married. I want to see my daughter graduate,
model, get married and have her own babies. I don't know about you but
I am not sure what I believe as far as what awareness I will have after
death but I know whatever it is cannot be as good as actually being
there. I want to be here. No matter how good the burgers and french
fries are they are not worth death and missing out.

Then in
December I got the final motivation. A voicemail from my sister
crying. I called her and through tears she told me that she and Timmy
were going to have a baby and I was finally going to be an aunt. It
was a miracle. After being hit by a drunk driver they were given very
little hope of ever having children due to many complications. That
higher power had given me one more hint of my need to be here on
earth. I want to see my neice or nephew and I want to watch them grow
up and I want to be able to play with her or him and be active with my

I don't know how to describe it other than...I don't only need to find the will to do this but also find the motivation to LIVE.

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